Anyway, here's a part from Chapter 4 in my story that I'd like you guys to read. Is it not that well-written (I got that impression)? Are you able to picture the scene in your mind? Does it make you stay on the edge of your seat in suspense? :) As always, suggestions are welcome!!!!!
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The woods looked very beautiful, with the afternoon sun filtering through the tops of the trees and several hawks circling above them, but Dakota did not notice. Her thoughts were on a rampage, twisting the image of Brooke and making her appear to be a mutant, a twisted, demented being that knew only how to scream and fight.
Somewhere in the back of her mind, Dakota knew she was being too extreme, yet she could not help but consider the possibility. She imagined this for the entire trip from the field to the infirmary, and she found herself standing outside the door to Brooke's room, afraid to go in for what she might see.
“Go on, Dakota. There's nothing to be afraid of,” her father urged.
Dakota didn't move.
“Well, you can go in when you're ready,” said Jim. “I'm going to go meet with Riko and talk to him. But your mother and I want you to visit her, and if you don't, you'll be disobeying us. Even though you have a little more freedom here, you're still under our authority.” He squeezed her shoulder and kissed the top of her head. “But you can take all the time you would like.”
And that is what Dakota did – she stood for five minutes by herself in the hall outside that door, alone, unmoving, until she took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and prepared herself.
I am ready.
Turning the door handle, she pushed the door open with a creak. Blue light shone from the center of the room, temporarily blinding Dakota. She stepped back, shielding her eyes, fear rising. What's going on?
She heard a little gasp and she lowered her hand. What she saw made her heart nearly stop.
Brooke was lying prostrate on the bed, her limbs splayed. Next to her was Osa – her hands held out, facing Brooke. Blue light poured from her palms and went into Brooke's open eyes. Osa's eyes were wide, staring at Dakota, and Brooke squirmed and moaned. Osa immediately turned to face Brooke, her eyes closed tightly in concentration.
What Dakota had feared immediately rose within her – uncontrollable rage.
“You!” Dakota screamed, running into the room. “You – you – what are you doing to her?!”
Osa's concentration broke, and she turned and looked at Dakota in a look of fear and … determination.
Brooke shrieked and twitched.
“Leave her alone!” yelled Dakota. She wanted to turn into a phoenix badly, but she knew she could – would – burn down the place. A well-placed fist will do fine.
Dakota was just rearing back to punch when Osa held up a hand. Blue shot out from her fingertips and bored into Dakota's eyes.
Dakota fell to the floor, her hands pressed against her ears, grunting. She felt Osa trying to probe her mind and panic shot through her. No! She … she can't … she'll … hurt … Brooke …
But fighting was to no avail. Dakota collapsed from the exhaustion of protecting her mind, and she was forced to drop the faulty barriers she had put up around her mind for fear that she would die from the strain.
To her surprise, Osa was gentle, and before she could take a breath a soft voice spoke in her mind.
I won't hurt you.
Dakota was surprised and didn't want to believe it at all, but before she could try to respond, the voice spoke again.
I know you're worried about your sister. I understand that feeling, but please stop. I am trying to help her. I am erasing her memories of the attack and healing her mind.
“No … no you're not!” cried Dakota, refusing to believe it. “I ought to … ought to ...”
Dakota felt Osa begin to withdraw her mind. Stop fighting. Just be patient.
“Don't … touch … her!” protested Dakota, but it was too late. Osa had returned her attention to Brooke. Dakota felt her strength returning and struggled to her feet, but she froze. Something inside her resisted moving forward, and before Dakota could find the willpower to resist it, the blue light intensed, and Brooke arced her back and opened her mouth in a silent scream. A black cloud flew out and was immediately captured by the blue light. It let out an unearthly shriek and struggled, but the light began to squeeze it and it vanished. The blue light disappeared as Osa collapsed. Only a few seconds after it disappeared Brooke's eyes flew open and she gasped.
“Brooke?” Dakota was immediately at her side.
Brooke turned to Dakota. “Dakota! Where –” She looked around the room, her eyelids fluttering. “Where am I?”
Happy tears flooded Dakota's eyes, but she still had a few more questions. “Do you remember seeing a witch and two demons in an old house?”
Brooke laughed. “Silly 'Kota! I've never seen a witch!”
Dakota smiled, tears falling. “Don't call me 'Kota.”
Brooke smiled too. “I will. Just stop crying, okay? It's making me sad.” She jumped off the bed and nearly landed on top of Osa. “Who's she?”
Osa! She was right! Is she okay? “Er – a helper.”
“Cool!”
Footsteps sounded on the stairs and Cara, Jim, and Riko rushed in. “Dakota! Are you alright?” cried Cara. “The patients heard screams coming from this room and – Brooke?”
Brooke smiled. “Hi, Mommy!”
Cara looked confused. “Dakota, what – is she – is she –”
Dakota smiled a teary smile. “Yes. Yes, she's fine!”
Cara looked suspicious, confused, and happy all at the same time. “But how – what –”
“Mommy, where am I?” interrupted Brooke, at her side in a flash. “Oh, hi, Daddy! Do you know where I am? I'm hungry! And thirsty, did you know that? Could I have something to eat? Please? How about ice cream? Could I have ice cream? Or cookies or punch or popsicles … but popsicles are the same as ice cream … right?”
Cara and Jim could fit in no more questions between hers, and with one last curious look at Dakota, they led her away.
Riko stared curiously at Dakota, and then with a small smile turned away and followed Cara and Jim down the stairs.
2 comments:
The only thing I thought was weird (which actually would probably make sense if you would let me read more ;-) was that you refered to her parents by their first names when they were talking to Dakota. It took me a minute to realize Jim was 'her father' in the first couple paragraphs.
Other than that, it's great!
-Grace
Thanks guys! Grace, I'll have to have you read a little more, and Maddie, I'll see how I could "re-word" that sentence. Thanks again!
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